Book Review- A Stand At Sinai (The Promised Land Series)

Jarah, Ezra, Ada, Eitan and all our other friends from A Cry From Egypt join us again in one of the most thrilling eras in history. A Stand At Sinai takes the Israelites from the crossing of the Red Sea, through battles with the Amalekites, an Israelite wedding (wonder who?), the giving of the Ten Commandments - and the temptation of the Golden Calf.












I waited eagerly for this book for two years. Granted, it was out earlier than that, but unfortunately, this author does make it a little difficult to have easy access to buy her books. However, even after two years of waiting, I was not disappointed with the end result.

A Stand at Sinai picks up just a few weeks after the end of A Cry From Egypt. The Israelites are beginning their long journey through the desert wilderness. This book is at least twice as long as its predecessor, which was fully necessary in order to flesh out the story properly.

Just like with the ACFE, A Stand at Sinai takes you out of the sky and puts you on the ground in the Israelite's sandals. I think that many of us read the account of the journey from Egypt to the Promised Land with disgust towards the nation of Israel, their fickleness, and their short memories. We think, "How on earth could you turn away from God after all that He has done for you?" I have often thought that I wouldn't have been that foolish and fickle, I believed that I would have stayed strong.

But here's the truth: I wasn't there. I wasn't the one walking for hours on end in a hot, thirsty desert. I wasn't hungry, I wasn't scared. I didn't lose loved ones to attacks from the Amalekites. And to top it all off, many of the older generation turned away from God. It terrifies me to the core of my being to imagine what it would be like to have many of the trusted elders in your life, the people you have always relied on to be strong, suddenly turn away from the God they taught you to trust.

The Hebrew people were just that, they were people. They were inconsistent, they were foolish. Sometimes they were brave, and sometimes they were cowards. They were hungry, they were thirsty, they wanted to provide for their children. They wanted a place to call home. Welcome to the human race, for this is all of mankind. If I had been in their sandals, whose to say what I would have done. I really hope that I would have made the right choice, but a bit of reality has since taught me that I would have had to struggle and fight to make that good choice.

Auer yet again puts you right in the situation with Jarah and those around her. Jarah struggles so much in this book. Her faith is stretched to just about every limit there is. She desperately wants to do the right thing, to be a support to her family, and she dreams of a future in the Promised Land. I understood many of her struggles personally, having faced my own version of them. There is quite a bit of character development and growth that takes place in all of the characters in this book, particularly the younger generation. Several strong characters in particular take very defined stands for their faith, even after they have been dealt terrible blows, they continually turn their face towards Yahweh and resolve to follow Him, even if it breaks them.

I was deeply inspired by this book, and I felt that it came at a very pertinent time in my life. Many of my young adult peers are being tempted with the world, and some are falling away from their faith with God and running eagerly into the dark arms of the world. Its scary. I have sometimes asked myself the question, "If there was a room full of people, both strangers and beloved friends and family alike, and I was the only one who was willing to stand with God, would I be able to do it? Even if it meant walking alone in terms of human fellowship." The thought of being like the younger characters in this book who are losing their elders is even scarier.

And yet, just like the characters of the book, I keep coming to this conclusion: where else is there to go besides God? He is Almighty, the Alpha and the Omega, I AM, He is Yahweh. Where else would I go? The answer is no where. When hardship strikes, when trials come, when the pain deepens, there is no where to run to but to the Lord.

One of the most magnificent scenes of this book takes place at the foot of Mount Sinai itself. The moment when Yahweh descends upon the mountain and speaks to His people. I have a deep desire to experience something like that. Can you just imagine what it would feel like to have the ground tremble, and to hear loudly the voice of God? It is so awesome.

My only critique of this book is yet again the cover art. The artwork is beautiful, but it gives this book the feeling of a children's book. And while children could certainly read and enjoy this book, the story and writing is capable of entertaining and feeding a wider age range. I think the author may be limiting her audience with the cover art.

I highly recommend this book to anyone. It is so rich, it will encourage you in your faith, and it will give you that earthy and full-detailed picture of what it would have been like to experience this event firsthand.

Check the book out here on Amazon, or on Hope Auer's website. You can find this gifted author on Facebook and Twitter.

Book Review- A Cry From Egypt (The Promised Land Series)

Jarah was a slave in Egypt. It was a dangerous place to be. The work was exhausting and her family was torn between the gods of the Egyptians, and the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. And her brother....would his Ada be given in marriage to an Egyptian in the palace? Would they ever be free?

Adventure, excitement, love, and faith come together when Jarah and her family find themselves at the culmination of four hundred years of history.














I loved this book! Growing up I learned about Moses and the Plagues in greater depth. I was utterly fascinated at the intricacies of this monumental time in history. Discovering that each plague had a specific meaning involving one of the Egyptian gods made me even more in awe of the incredible intelligence of God.

As wonderful as history books and the Biblical account are of this unique period of history, most of them are an overhead view. A big picture look at this memorizing story. A Cry From Egypt takes you out of the sky and puts you right on the streets of Ramses and Goshen.

Jarah is a very sympathetic and relate-able character. I have never in my life experienced the kinds of hardships that she and her family endure. Pain, hunger, being beaten within an inch of their life. Having no power over their own lives. Still, somehow, Auer managed to create a connection between my 21st century struggles as a Christian trying to follow God with those of a 12 year old slave girl in B.C. Egypt, who is struggling to seek and follow Yahweh.

Another incredible aspect of this book is the plagues. In all other accounts, we only get the big picture of what the plagues would have been like. Bloody river, frogs, flies, bleh! Even one of my top movies The Prince of Egypt relegates the plagues to a montage scene with some really epic music. But we never really get to feel firsthand what it would have been like to experience the plagues.

But through Jarah's eyes, and the eyes of her family and friends, we finally get an on-the-ground perspective of what the plagues would have been like. I found myself full of compassion for the Egyptians and Israelites both. For the Israelites, because they were still affected by what happened to the Egyptians; what with Pharaoh increasing their workload, and suffering great cruelties upon them. For the Egyptians, because they suffered and lost so much because of their leader's hardened heart. Auer does a wonderful job of humanizing the Egyptians, and you feel their pain deeply.

My only critique of this book would be the cover art. It is very clearly hand done, which while not bad, it does give the book more of a homemade, unprofessional feel. If I didn't know that this book was such a treasure on the inside, I would be tempted to pass over it as a half-way finished work of art. The phrase "don't judge a book by its cover" really isn't applicable in the world, because guess what, we do judge books by their covers. If I see a polished cover that excites me, I am for sure going to make an effort to read that book. But if I see something that looks amateurish that fails to create emotion in me, I will pass the book over. I do not mean anything offensive personally to the artist, the artwork is not bad in general, but for this context, I believe it cheapens the book and lessens the appeal.

I recommend this book to children and adults alike who love historical fiction and want to dive more deeply into one of the most awesome stories of the Bible! You can find it here on Amazon, or, on Hope Auer's website. You can also check her out on Facebook and Twitter.

12th Truth of Christmas- Emmanuel, God With Us

Here we are, ladies and gentlemen, the 12th and final truth that I am focusing on this Christmas. In my opinion, this truth is the epitome of Christmas, the one truth that stands out to me the most during this season.

"Behold, the virgin shall be with child, and bear a Son, and they shall call His name Emmanuel," which is translated, "God with us." (Matthew 1:23)

Emmanuel- God with us.

This is the very greatest truth of Christmas. This is also one of the most amazing truths of Christianity. We worship the True and Living God, Who sent His Only Son down to earth to live among us.

Down here on earth, among the filth, the suffering, and the sin, Jesus willingly came down to be a part of our world. He was born like any human baby; he ate, slept, and grew as a human. He felt pain, sorrow, and joy. He experienced physical life as one of us.

God could have just swept in with a mighty force and solved everything wrong in our broken world. But He didn't; instead, He chose to come and be among us. To feel what we feel, to see what we see. He took the time to understand us, and then He gave us a way to be rescued.

God is a relational God. He created human beings in His Image so that we might have fellowship with Him. In the Garden of Eden, God walked with Adam and Eve as their Friend. When sin entered into the world, that relationship and connection was broken. Jesus was the link that renewed that chain of connection.

I find it incredibly beautiful that God chose to reestablish relationship with mankind by being among us first, living as we do. The greatest way to earn someone's trust and friendship is to live life alongside them. To feel what they feel, to see what they see.

Did you read that story that was recently in the news about the barber and the little boy with autism? An autistic little boy did not want to get his hair cut, and the barber had already tried several times unsuccessfully to cut the child's hair. Finally, the barber decided to get down on the floor with the boy, who seemed more comfortable hanging out on the ground while playing with his father's phone. The barber got down on the boy's level, and cut his hair.

This story is a wonderful analogy of what God did for us. He didn't try to force His relationship on us, even though we desperately needed it, just like that little boy needed a haircut. Instead, God got down on our level and entered into our world.

I don't know about you, but I have a much easier time having faith and trust in a God Who understands where I am coming from. It is so encouraging to go through life and my faith knowing that Jesus has also felt everything that I experience, both the good and the bad.

The knowledge that God went to such lengths just to have a relationship with me thrills me to the core of my being. It fills me with joy to accept that gift of offered relationship and eternal life. God has proven His desire for relationship, and I count it a privilege to be called His friend.

God is so loving,  and He is so real. He knows us intimately. He knows our both our spiritual and our physical needs. He understands our frailty, and our fear. Whatever you are going through in your life, be it good, bad, or a bit of both, God understands.

This season we celebrate Emmanuel, who is God with us.

Thank you for joining me on this journey through 12 Truths of Christmas. This season, I pray that we may all choose joy. Let us embrace our peace on earth, and have goodwill towards men. I encourage you to be a Christmas light this year, lighting up our dark world. May we look for and appreciate the gifts in disguise. May we all look for the star.

Despite the craziness of this life, let us rest in the knowledge that we are right on time. Despite all the places where we feel inadequate, let us be ready for a Savior. I pray that we may discover the beauty in the stable. I pray that we would embrace the journey, and the surprises that come along the way. Let us celebrate the life that we have been given.

Merry Christmas, dear ones, may this season bring you light and life. Peace be with you in the name of Jesus our Redeemer, Amen.

11th Truth of Christmas- Life is Worth Celebrating

Life is such a gift.

Life is such a wonderful, precious gift that we often take for granted. We are so blessed here in the United States. Generations of our citizens have grown up with little fear or doubt that they will be able to grow up and live out their days as they see fit.

When I was younger, my family sponsored a little girl in Indonesia. Her letters always gave us such a unique look into her culture and worldview. However, there was one letter that really stood out to me. She was telling us of her future plans and hopes, but the wording she used was what struck me in my heart.

She said, "if I grow up, I want to become..." 

If? If I grow up? There was even a question in her mind as to whether or not she would be able to grow up to adulthood and have a future. Despite my young age, I was incredibly impacted by this statement. That precious child halfway across the world didn't know whether or not she would live long enough to grow up, something that I took for granted every day. That letter awakened me to the truth that life is so precious, and it should never be taken for granted.

Right now I rather feel like my world is going crazy with death. I see it everywhere on the news-"Another Cop shot", "Terrorists kill hundreds in Lebanon and Paris", "So and so diagnosed with terminal cancer". Our own culture seems to be obsessed with death and darkness, idolizing it in a way that makes me sick. Take one quick look at the titles of many current TV shows, and you'll want to vomit at how death is glorified.

Now that I am an adult, I find myself asking some pretty scary questions. "What would I do if a crazy person starts shooting up the mall when I'm out shopping with a friend? What if I get on an airplane that is shot out of the sky? What if I get diagnosed with a terminal illness?"

As it is with any period in history, it is a scary time to be alive. But should that stop me from celebrating the life that I have been given?

The awesome beauty of life goes even deeper than this world. As a Christian, I have received the gift of eternal life, life after death. Death does not have a hold over me, it does not get the final word. I have this gift, because God sent Life down to us in the form of His Son, Jesus the Messiah.

Death came as a result of sin. After Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden, living creatures began to die. Life was no longer unending, it was on a timeline in which Death would have the final word. But God intervened, because God is Life, and all true life is of Him.

God made a bridge over Death that brought us back to Him, the Giver of Life. That bridge was Jesus, who defeated Death at the cross and gave us the option of eternal life instead of eternal death.

Jesus did the hardest work, dying on the cross and defeating eternal Death. But we have a part to play as well, one that begins here and now in the physical. We can defeat death here on earth on a daily basis.

How? By celebrating and protecting life.

I was discussing terrorism with my brother the other day. It is the crowning achievement for a terrorist to kill other human beings, and maybe even himself in the process. They find victory in Death, a concept with is directly from the Devil. How do you defeat those terrorists? By preserving life, the lives they would love to take. Every government, soldier, first-responder, and every citizen who take action to preserve life are defeating terrorism and death.

There are other ways to defeat death. Death is not just a sudden change of address from the physical earth to either heaven or hell. Death happens slowly in many subtle ways throughout our lives. Hopes die, marriages die, joy dies. When something beautiful and God-sanctioned dies, it is a sad day. Living in the truth of the life that we have been given in Christ can defeat Death on a daily basis. And, the hope is, that when others look at us they will ask, "Where does your hope come from?" By living our lives in the victory that Jesus has provided, we can point others towards the Savior and eternal life.

Christmas is about bringing life; it began with the earthly life of Jesus, which in turn brought eternal life to mankind. This is a season for life.

I pray that we all may embrace the beauty that is life, both physical and spiritual. I pray that we may protect life since it is of God. I pray that we may fight for life in our day by day journey on this planet. And I look forward to the day when we the Church are all in heaven together and receive the Crown of Life.

This Christmas, let us celebrate life.

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Catch up on the rest of the Twelve Truths of Christmas - Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5, Day 6, Day 7, Day 8, Day 9, and Day 10. Join me tomorrow for the final truth - Emmanuel, God With Us

You can find me on Facebook and Twitter.

10th Truth of Christmas- Caught By Surprise

"Mary, get ready; you're gonna get pregnant with the Son of God....before you get married."

"Pardon me, sir, my wife needs somewhere to have her baby, could we maybe borrow your stable?"

"Hello stinky Shepherds, feel like meeting a King tonight?"

The first Christmas was full of surprises. No one actually experiencing it had seen dozens of Nativity plays and movies. It was the first day on set, and no one had read the script. For all of those participating in the first Christmas, they probably felt like they were playing a game of dodge ball with Providence.

I wonder how many times Mary and Joseph threw their hands up in the air and said, "What else could go wrong?" In the moment, without the bigger picture to look at, Mary and hubby probably thought that a lot of things went wrong on that trip. It's possible they even thought the whole stable birth was a mistake.

Life on earth is full of curve balls and surprises. We can't see the future beyond what bits and pieces God chooses to reveal to us. Many things happen unexpectedly and throw us for a loop. "What on earth! Where did this come from? Why now God? Why?"

But there a very important detail that we often forget....

....God is all-knowing. He knows all things that have happened, that are happening, and that have yet to happen.

Pause for a moment and consider this; the Author of our Destiny already knows EVERYTHING that will happen in our lives. There are no surprises to God, He knows every detail that will happen in every moment of your life.

It is scary not knowing what is ahead, I get that, and God gets that. He doesn't judge us for freaking out when something unexpected comes our way. But it is good to remember that the God of the Universe has control over our lives, and He has all of the answers.

Mary probably cried when she realized she would be having her baby in a stable. That situation had to be so terrifying for her. God didn't judge her for feeling that way, even though He knew all things would be well. Instead, He gave her the strength to face the "curve ball" that she was thrown in that moment. And later on, I'm sure the experience made for a dramatic birthing story around the village well.

Getting thrown for a loop is no fun, it's terrifying. It's okay to be scared, and it's okay to cry out to God. He knows our hearts, and He has compassion for our fears. And knowing all of this, He will provide us with what we need in that moment or season of fear. He will give us the grace to carry through whatever surprise comes our way.

Everything that happens in our lives is for a reason, there are no coincidences. God has already written your story, there are no plot twists to Him. He will take care of you, both in the moment, and in the grand scheme of your life.

Have you recently been thrown for a loop? Did something in your life take you by surprise? You are not alone. This Christmas, I encourage all of us to look at the first Christmas as an example of God's grace, provision, and foresight. He will take care of us.
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Catch up on the other 9 Truths of Christmas with Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5, Day 6, Day 7, Day 8, and Day 9.

You can find me on Facebook and Twitter.

6th Truth of Christmas- I'm Right On Time

For most of my life, I have struggled with feeling like I am about two steps behind everyone else. When my friends were having their summer break, I was still doing school. When other people were eating dinner, I was eating a late lunch. When all my peers were driving, I still hadn't gotten my quota of practice hours in yet.

I know I'm not alone in this. This Christmas season especially has everyone freaking out, running late, feeling like the calendar is looming over their heads with a blinking red light on the 25th.

I have even felt that I must have been born in the wrong time, or that God must have made a mistake when He chose the year for me to start my life. Not that I actually believe this, but there are places in my heart where I feel that I could be more effective if I were older, wiser, etc.

Several years ago I read a book that went more in depth on the life of Christ. There were many neat things that stood out to me, but there was one fact that still continues to amaze me to this day.

Jesus was born at the beginning of the Roman Empire.

Why is this important? The Roman Empire is known for two things (1) its powerful military that allowed it to conquer most of the known world, creating one of the largest empires in history (2) Rome was known for its architectural masterpieces such as paved roads, which connected the empire and revolutionized travel in the ancient world.

Jesus was born at the beginning of the most internationally connected era in ancient history. By the time he was a grown man, Rome had only increased in power. By the time the early Church began, Rome was very strong and very connected, which enabled the spread of the gospel to happen with incredible speed.

Let that sink in for a bit. What if Jesus had been born a few hundred years before? He might not have had to deal with those rude Romans, but practically speaking, the impact of the gospel would have taken longer to go into effect.

What if Jesus had been born a few hundred years later, during the Dark Ages? Growth was nigh stunted in some parts of the world for centuries, due to the chaos and disconnected nature of the Dark Ages. Instability reigned supreme for hundreds of years, and it wasn't until the Renaissance that life and progress really began to happen on a more international scale. If the gospel hadn't already been spread and taken root across the world before that era, who knows what would have happened?

Maybe it is because I am a total history nerd that I find this concept so amazing. But I don't think that is the whole of it. What really amazes me about this fact, is that it shows me yet again that God has a plan. He has a grand timeline of history, He knows all things that were, that are, and that have yet to be.

He knows when to make things happen in the right time for the right outcome.

When I was little, I used to wish that I had been born in the American pioneer days. I was obsessed with cowboys and covered wagons. The idea of crossing vast prairies to begin a new life in the mysterious west was utterly thrilling and romantic to me.

That was a childish daydream. But as time has gone on, I have often wished I was somewhere else than where I currently was, or am at the moment. And then one day, it hit me.

I was born at the beginning of the Internet Empire.

Being a child of the nineties, I am a member of that unique generation who are just old enough to remember the pre-cell phone/email/worldwideweb age; but we are also the generation of children/teens who were growing up when that great divide was crossed. And the world is forever changed because of it.

I live in the most connected time in all of history. Within seconds, I could reach millions of people across the globe in spite of time, distance, language barriers, experience, and different background. None of these factors are major hindrances to me.

What an incredible thing it is to be alive right now. What an incredible opportunity I have to make an impact on the world. One of the greatest fears I have had in my life is that I won't make a difference in the world. But when I stop and think about the few pieces of God's master plan that I have glimpsed, my fears are soothed.

God knows what He is doing. He sent Jesus at the exact right moment in history so that His Church would be born most effectively.

I'm not Jesus, but God has given me a role to play in the timeline of His-Story. Everything, from the year I was born to how long it took me to get my driver's license are all a part of His plan for me.

I'm not running late, and I'm not too early. I am right on time.

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Want to read about the previous Truths of Christmas? Catch up on Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, and Day 5.

If you want to learn more about me, check me out on Facebook and Twitter!

Graduating From School

I apologize for disappearing from the blog world for a time. I didn't go AWOL, I was merely MIA.

The battle? Finish school, once and for all!

It was a rough combat zone, my final days of being a high school student. I exchanged rapid fire with a tough grammar book, and hid in the trenches to procrastinate some speech writing. When it was all over, I almost needed to be airlifted from the combat zone. It was a mess of newsworthy proportions.

Papers and books were scattered all about my bedroom. My bed was a mess. I needed a shower and it was midnight. But it didn't matter, I was done.

My opponent, known as school, had finally been defeated. Twelve and a half years of intense battles and I had finally won.

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My school journey, from the first grade to the twelfth was anything but easy. I am sure many other graduated students have said the same thing, but I can't speak for their journey, I can only speak for my own.

I'm not going to drag any of you through the mud with details of every hard thing that has happened in my life. Every one of us in life has our own struggles, curve balls, and things in life that we wish we could just skip over. I can't even begin to count the number of times I wished I could just be done with something and not have to wrestle with it anymore.

But that is not how life works, and that is okay. God doesn't leave us stuck on a merry-go-round, eventually, we get to move on to the next ride-be it a slow-moving train, or a roller coaster. And in the mean time, we get the experience of whatever ride we are on. We get off a different person.

I just got off a ride that at times felt like a slow moving train, and at other times, a roller coaster.

Now I am faced with an entirely new situation....what happens now?

I don't have any college plans, nor is there a job or destination that I have awaiting me. I could write a book series about all of the ideas I have dancing around in my brain.

Right now, in this moment, I am just taking a breath and coming up to smell the roses for the first time in forever. I have had one main goal for over twelve years, and now that I have reached that goal, I get the pleasure of seeing what God has in store for me next.

I look forward to sharing my next battle/journey/ride with you, my dear readers.

What I Learned About Myself in 2014

Yes, it's a New Year's Eve post. But don't worry, I plan to keep it brief and non-preachy. This is a simple list of the things I learned about myself as a human being during the illustrious year of our Lord, 2014.

1. I can be pretty selfish. When examining some of my motives for some things, I was shocked to see just how self-centered they were. It was sobering, and made me throw myself on Jesus and His grace all the more.
2. A lot of the time, I am just a scared little girl. I turned eighteen this year, in the eyes of the law I am an adult. The adult world is scary people, very scary. It made me realize even more just how vulnerable I am and just how dependent I am on God for His protection.
3. I am very insecure in some ways. The competition I feel in my heart to look as "successful" in life as those around me who appear to be going somewhere and doing something. I have held myself to some pretty rigid standards, and have ended up thrusting a lot of extra guilt and drive on myself that wasn't necessary.
4. I am NOT a patient person. Well, I kinda already knew this one. I have spent my entire life striving for the next adventure, the desire to grow up, the desire to get married, the desire to "start my life". I have missed some of the moments in between that I could have spent actually living, and growing into the person I needed to be to be ready for those adventures. It's a work in progress folks, I'll keep you posted.

Those are a few of the more unpleasant things I learned about myself this year. Now here is a list of the some of the really amazing things I learned about this year.

1. I'm comfortable in my own skin. Though I have many deep insecurities, I have come so far in some areas, such as my appearance and the way I carry myself. I don't have to agonize over every tiny detail of my appearance, who will be present, what I should and shouldn't say. No, I can just look like, and act like who I really am. And I am ok with that.
2. I really care about people and desire to know their story. Family, friends, strangers, young, old: people are precious. I often sit in the car when we are driving places and stare out of the window at all of the hundreds of other cars passing by. Each one contains a person with their own story, history, scars, and potential. They live somewhere, work somewhere, and maybe have a family. We as people are created in the image of God, and we are beautiful.
3. God has given me a gift with words. Whether I am speaking, or writing, words are something that flow from me very naturally. Not everything I say is beautiful, and I can get a bit long-winded sometimes, but no matter what I do in life, I will be using words.
4. I love to dance. This is partnered with being comfortable in my own skin. I used to take myself too seriously to just pause and break out into a dance party. No longer! I am free! Besides, pausing a moment and dancing, whether it's to Bing Crosby, Celtic Women, or Group 1 Crew, dancing is a way that I show my gratitude to God for being alive to enjoy the moment.

Well, that's a tiny peek into what I learned about myself this year. Hope you all have a lovely and safe New Year! Bring it on 2015!

Inspirational Quotes- Tolkien/C.S.Lewis (Glimpses of Eden)

There are some authors out there that we all recognize as being masters of their craft. Quite obviously, C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien are among the finest.

I have so many C.S. Lewis quotes that I adore, it would be hard to find a favorite. But I do have a favorite Tolkien quote (for now :)

We all long for Eden, and we are constantly glimpsing it; our whole nature at its best and least corrupted, its gentlest and most human, is still soaked with the sense of exile

 I read this quote and it instantly registered with me, I have felt this way before. Haven't you ever experienced a moment when you felt an aching longing? Where you felt like you caught a glimpse of a rare and beautiful treasure? Or perhaps you had a moment when you felt like you were given a glimpse into a beautiful kingdom where everything is brighter and more beautiful? I have been taken unawares by that feeling so many times, and whenever I feel it, I get a sense of deep longing for the place where I really belong. I don't even always consciously recognize it, all I know is, that for that moment, I truly know I am not of this world and I belong somewhere else.

C.S. Lewis, another master author and Tolkien's dear friend, described having this feeling as a child. He describes a moment in his childhood when he was staring down into a little fairy garden that his brother was showing him. Something about the way the light fell upon the scene touched him, and suddenly he felt that deep, aching longing. You can hear this story firsthand in the amazing documentary made about his life called Beyond Narnia. Warning, tissues are a necessity for this doc.

C.S. Lewis is as we all know, the creator of the beloved world of Narnia. I cannot think of a more vivid example of a land that we all long to visit. The world of Narnia is almost surreal, it is beautiful, mysterious, exciting, but more than anything else, it is where one will find Aslan. Aslan is the clearest picture of Jesus I have ever see. He is frightening, he is magnificent, he is gentle, he is terrible, he is wise, he is silent, he is a roaring lion, he just is. And every time the children from England are away from him, or away from Narnia, they are longing to go back. They feel that is where they belong, they feel that they are not quite right unless they are in the place that feels like home.

In the end, in The Last Battle, all of the main characters die, and they go to a place that feels like Narnia. At first they are confused, what are they all doing here? But later in the book, Aslan explains to them that this is the real Narnia, that the place they were in before was but a shadow of the real land. He tells them that all that they loved best about the other Narnia, and about England, were actually just glimpses of the real Narnia. They are overjoyed, and all together they go further up and further in, meeting old friends and discovering all the things they love the most.

Glimpses of Eden. Whenever I get glimpses of Eden it is usually when I am enjoying something of this world that I love best. My family, beloved friends. Rays of sunshine, a gift of revelation about truth from the Lord. A bar of lovely, haunting music. People worshiping the Lord together. Gazing at a sunset, holding a child close, showing someone love. Watching a person's face light up when they are given hope, or joy.

It is when I experience these moments that I feel right, I feel that I belong, I feel like, if only for a moment, I am home.

And just think, if these wonderful things are just glimpses? Then what is the real thing like? I can't even imagine, and I cannot wait to return to Eden.

Becoming Grace Part 3- My 16th Year

Part 1 of Becoming Grace was about being shown that I was the not being the person God intended me to be. Part 2 was about my major panic attack that left me feeling completely raw and helpless. I want to wrap up this series by sharing about the most recent year of my life. My 16th year.

I can remember being six and thinking that in just ten years I would be sixteen. Sixteen was a magical age, or so I thought. I would be old enough to wear makeup, go to big girl parties, wear stylish clothes, be beautiful, smart, and ready for anything! It would all be so wonderful!

I had gotten a little more practical after during the ten years that followed. Life had kicked me around a bit more, I had had some dreams die a very painful death, I had felt scared, sad, lonely. But I think as I lay in bed the last night as a fifteen year-old I still had a remnant of that feeling, that sixteen would be magical!

Well, like so many bubbles of false ideas, I had mine burst by reality.

I started my sophomore year of high school just two days after my major panic attack. It was really hard. I to like be prepared for the school year, but instead it felt like I had fallen into my new school year. Later that year my dad started a new job that meant he had a two hour commute each day. While being a good thing in the long run, this put a lot of strain on our family. In early spring we started looking for a place to live that was closer to where he worked.

We found a house at the end of April and had closed on the deal by the end of May. The next few months felt like a blur while we tried to maintain two houses. We had to deal with plumbing issues at the old house and a brown recluse problem at our new place. We moved in June 30th under very primitive conditions. July was spent making a lot of trips back and forth between both dwelling places. Later in August we had to put our sweet girl dog, Sonora, down after she came into contact with what was a potentially rabid skunk. In the midst of all of these we've had a lot of strife, internal struggling, stress, and tears.

I didn't write that whole paragraph to make people feel sorry for me, and I am not writing to whine about it. I am just stating the fact that this last year has been anything but magical. It has been a lot of sweat, late nights, fights, tears, fear, and the drudgery of everyday life.

Despite the many difficulties of this last year, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

During this past year, starting last September, I have experienced a kind of fellowship with my Father that I never want to let go of. Through all of my circumstances, personal struggles, and tears, my Father has reached down and grabbed a hold of me in a way I have rarely ever felt before. I have found peace in moments when before I felt chaos. I have found promises in the Bible that before were just some inspirational words on a page, but now they are promises for me! I have experienced a grace pouring from Him that is like no other.

I have experienced a radical change in some of the ways I see the world. I see life, beauty, and people in a whole new way.

Life is precious and wonderful not because it is always fun, or perfect, but because it is a gift from God and our chance to give something back to Him.

Beauty is something that God created because He is beautiful, and values beautiful things. When I am enjoying beauty, I am living out of that part of me that is made in His image.

People are God's highest creation, His masterpieces, His beloved ones. How His heart must ache when He sees the horrible things people can do to each other. How He must weep when His children are crying out in pain. How He must laugh for joy when He sees them smile, and share His love with others.

What I used to want to be when I grew up and what I want to be now are two different people. I used to want to be a hero. I wanted to be famous, someone people would know and be excited about. Someone who could help save the world. Someone who reached the thousands, millions.

But when I look at Jesus, I see Someone who touched people; and not just crowds, but individuals. Single, insignificant, ordinary people with their own pain, sin, scars, joys, and dreams.  He loved each individual as much as He did the entire group. And when He touched those individuals in their humanity, He started a revolution that is still effecting millions today. Including me, He touched me.

My name has become a large focus of mine for the first time over the last year. What "Grace" really means is something I never thought deeply about until now. God told my Mom to name me Grace because I would be a child of grace, mercy, and peace. I finally paid enough attention to realize that was not who I was and I needed Jesus' help to make me that person.

I now know what I want to be when I become an adult. And I know who I want to be until then. I want to be someone who people remember because I touched them. And not just the multitudes, but the individuals as well. I want them to remember me because I reached out, and they got to experience the redeeming grace of God. His redeeming grace through me, His Grace.

This is the entry I put in my spiritual journal the night before I turned 17. One year from the day that I turned that "magical" number 16.

"Lord, I dedicate this next year of my life to You. I pray that You will teach me, and lead me. Help me to see with Your eyes, hear with Your ears, speak with Your voice, feel with Your heart, and touch with Your hands. Lord, it is my desire to be a person who people remember being touched by. I want them to remember and love being touched by Grace; and by grace I speak not just of me, but of Your everlasting grace. I am Your Grace dear God, I have been saved by grace, and I desire to extend that same grace to the world. So here I am Lord, I am Your Grace. I love you Oh Holy One. Alleluia. In Jesus' Name, Amen."

I have so far to go, so much to learn, and many more mistakes to make. There will be moments where I revert back to being the person my flesh wants to be. But in my spirit, in the truest part of myself, I desire to be Grace. I now rejoice because I am finally on the road to Becoming Grace.

Becoming Grace Part 2- Completely Raw

"Mom, something's not right..."

These were the words I uttered on the night just one week after my 16th birthday. We were driving home late at night from a friends' house when I began to feel short of breath and my throat felt funny. Then my lips started to tingle, and I began to feel panic rise in my chest. From things I had heard, I was pretty sure I was having an allergic reaction, to what I couldn't say, but something was definitely wrong!

Breathing became much more difficult as the panic continued to rise and I felt like my throat was constricting. By now I had alerted Mom to the problem and we were racing back to the town where our friends lived in order to get the ER before my throat closed up and I stopped breathing altogether.

God be praised, I was not having an allergic reaction, it was actually a very intense panic attack. I honestly don't think anyone who hasn't experienced a panic attack can fully comprehend the terror, and massive reaction it invokes. Nor the long enduring after-affects of anxiety, fear, tension, raw emotions, and sleepless nights.

I have never felt more helpless, empty, or out as control as I did in that dark car at midnight when I was fighting for air. When you are wondering how much longer you are going to be able to keep breathing on your own, you have got nothing left and you just want to cry out, "somebody help me!"

The weeks following that large attack were very difficult. I was humbled to know that I was not as invincible as I thought. I was scared and didn't know how to handle it if I had more massive attacks. I remember several nights of jerking awake almost gasping for breath. I can remember days when my muscles just trembled because I had been tensing them all day. Certain thoughts could set me off all over again. Thoughts that before I had been able to just push out of my mind, but now they would stay there and torment me. I had dealt with scary things before, but now I was experiencing FEAR on a whole new level. I just wanted to stay home and never go anywhere again for fear of having a panic attack in public.

I almost see the couple of months after that panic attack as the time when I was just felt completely raw and vulnerable. My emotions were all out there for everyone to see. I cried a ton. For those who don't know me, I have never been a crier. I by nature am a stuffer, I don't like to have all of my emotions out there for the world to see. If something bothered me I would stuff it, tell myself to get over it, move on. Unfortunately studies have shown that "stuffers" are more prone to panic attacks. Go figure!

In some ways I almost felt embarrassed. Like people were going to look at me and say, "Oh, she's that girl with the major anxiety problems. I guess she doesn't understand that whole thing of "casting your cares". She's got some major problems."

Let me just say from some experience, I think that a great bit of Christians assume that just because we have Jesus inside of us we should be able to solve any problem, fear, issue, or situation just  like that! I know that until I turned 16 that had been my immature belief. Pray a quick prayer, speak a verse out loud, or actually believe in the Word of God for Heaven's sake! If it says, "perfect love casts out fear" then believe it!

Yes, we do have Jesus inside of us and He has given us all that we need to cope and combat all of life's trials. But will it happen overnight? More than likely not. Much of life is just spent being broken and allowing God to work on you. But that takes time, effort, prayer, and many tears.

Me, myself, and I had come crashing to the ground. Much of my remaining pride was in shambles, and I felt like a scared three year old who wanted to hide in the closet and never come out. I was so scared, so upset, and so humiliated

Now, more than ever, I felt at the end of myself. I felt powerless to stop the cascade of things that was coming down on top of me. And so finally, I gave a very sincere and earnest cry to Him. "Help me! Because I can't do this on my own. I am not enough, right now I feel like I am drowning, I feel totally raw and exposed, and I am so scared. Please come near to me, hold my hand, pick me up, carry me, I need You!"

Sometimes in order to have a clean fresh start to be who you were created to be, you have have a lot of the old crud stripped away, you have to become completely raw.

Becoming Grace Part 1- Me, Myself, and I

"I'm strong enough on my own..."

"I don't even want to have to depend on someone else, I want to be entirely self sufficient..."

"I don't want to be considered weak and emotional like some people, I want to be, no, I am that solid rock that other, weaker people can lean on when they stumble..."

"I'm exceptional, above average, and capable of anything I set my mind to..."

All four of those sentences are originals from my own soul. Yuck, it looks even worse in writing. I look back on those thoughts and shake my head at the pride, stupidity, and judgement those statements show.

A lot of those standards, and desires were stemming from my own insecurities and fears. If I have to depend on someone else, they could let me down. If I show my emotions, I'll be considered weak and silly. If I have to go to someone else for help, I will no longer be considered strong, by myself or anyone else. If I am not above others, I'll never be noticed, admired, or praised. (aka, my ego won't get fed).

Yes, those were my thoughts from about age 9-16. I carried so much false pride about myself, who I was, what I was capable of, and how I was better than others.

In all truth, I have had to be a stronger person sometimes. Starting at age 9-12, my family went through a pretty rough season. We'd had rough times before, but I was finally old enough to really be affected by it. When families are facing hard times or crisis, the older members have to step up to the plate. I am the second oldest, so I stepped up into the role of second mom. I did most of my crying at night, when no one could see me. I slapped a smile on my face when inside I felt like parts of me were dying. I kept telling myself I was fine, get over it, move on...

Strength is a great asset that is manifest in multiple ways, and admired by all. But strength is only a true asset when it is understood and used properly. I did, and still do have some real strength that has come into my life through some of my difficulties, but in many ways I despised the real and upheld the false. Being in control and self sufficient emotionally and physically made me feel okay.

It worked for a while. I built up my own Tower of Babel of pride in my mind and heart. I constructed a Wall of Jericho around my emotions so that they couldn't  be reached and dealt with. But that system of stuffing, and building myself up could only last for so long.

I recognized that I had problems with pride. I tried to fix them, work harder to have more humility. Can you see the vicious cycle? Trying to fix yourself is like being a hamster on a wheel, you get nowhere and just exhaust yourself in the process.

For some reason me, myself, and I were not enough. I cried over these things, aloud and in my heart. I saw that I was hurting the people I love by my inflated self image and extreme lack of grace. Can you believe that? My mother named me Grace because God gave her that name and told her that I would be a child of grace, mercy, and peace. That felt like a dagger to the heart when I looked at myself and realized that was the direct opposite of who I was. I wasn't strong, I was hard. I wasn't being a rock for people to lean on, I was being a rock for someone to get slapped against. I wasn't emotionally strong, I was holding onto things and hiding them rather than facing them and working it out. That hurt to realize.

I finally made the first real step towards helping myself. I cried (literally) out to God and begged Him for help. I had been trying to do everything on my own for 15 years. I had been a Christian since age 5, but it had taken me 10 years to really see that I need Him for every single part of my life, not just the parts I felt okay about sharing with Him.

The end of me, myself, and I had finally begun...

"...no man is an island..." John Donne, Meditation 17, stanza 9.