Friday, July 17, 2015

10 Annoying Cliches in Movies

Are you ready for another rant post? Now don't get the idea that I am constantly critiquing or that I storm about my house ranting nonstop. I find that a bit of annoyed humor about a subject that we all understand is sometimes just the thing I need to make me, and hopefully others, smile. Hopefully you can relate to at least a few of these.


Starting with the least annoying and ending at the most annoying, here are 10 Annoying Cliches in Movies.


10. Kissing At the Wrong Moment

confused looks -  You're About to Die! Why Now?

I'm a woman, don't get me wrong, I want to see a kiss in movies, particularly movies where they have made you suffer through hours of misery. This desire for a kiss is not even just owned by my gender, there are just certain movies where everyone, man or woman, is screaming, "JUST KISS HER ALREADY!"


So while I acknowledge that I like a good kiss at the appropriate moment, let me say this, I value life more. What I mean by that is, if it is down to a kiss or running for your life, I will pick running for your life every time. Hey, just think about it like this Buster, if you both make it out you can have more life to live and you can spend a great deal of it kissing her.


The one exception I have to this is in Captain America: The First Avenger when Peggy Carter kisses Cap in the car right before he jumps onto Red Skull's flying apparatus. Considering we know how this story turned out, that was her last chance to kiss him, and in the words of Han Solo, that guy "...could use a good kiss!"


Now, the subject of kissing leads me to my next annoying cliché....


9. Missed Kiss

This missed moment usually happens before the giant chaotic hullaballoo in which the romantic leads kiss at the wrong moment. For example, back at a safe base, HQ, or underground bunker, there is always a moment in which we find our two romantic leads staring at each other. Their thoughts run something akin to this,


Hot Lead Guy- "Wow, she's gorgeous, smart, funny, she can kick rear, and somehow her makeup is still perfect. I think I'm in love, and if we get out of this, I will tell her so and make her my wife shortly following said declaration."


....and she's thinking....


Hot Lead Woman- "He's such a stud, even when he sweaty and covered with blood. He's so funny, and his eyes, the way they are staring into my soul right now. Good thing my makeup still looks perfect. I wish he would just say out loud that he loves me, and we could get married, and have six children."


They both lean in, staring into each other's eyes/souls, and, wait for it, wait for it!


When they are mere centimeters apart, the commander walks in. Or a random soldier. Or an unpaid intern. For crying out loud, it could be the dog! It doesn't matter, the moment is broken, and they both back off, looking emotionally unstable and embarrassed.



8. Women Who Look Gorgeous When In Physical Distress

Maybe this annoys me more because I am a woman, maybe guys haven't even noticed this detail, but trust me, all of womankind has noticed. Movies as a general rule (there are exceptions) create this unrealistic image of a woman who can go through a volcano, get abducted by aliens, fall off a cliff and break her spine, and still look amazing. What the heck, she actually looks all the more adorable for a bit of wear and tear, and the hero is even more endeared by her.


A lighter example of this is the idea of a "pretty faint". Ladies, take it from someone who has fainted, no, that's far too dainty a word for how horrible you feel physically, PASSED OUT is a much more appropriate term. There is no such thing as a pretty faint, it is an ideal that belongs in the world of fairies and unicorns. In reality, this is what fainting looks like.



That's right ladies, passing out makes you look like a dead, an actual dead possum. Or worse.


7. Women Running In Heels

I get it ladies, not everyone is as clumsy as I am in heels.

Me walk, no, falling in heels.
And yes, I know, heels can be very cute and feminine looking. I am not 100% against heels for all occasions.

But at what point do we question the idea that something that puts you off balance, three inches above your normal height, and does NOT conform to your natural God-created foot shape is required female footwear 24-7? Men don't wear ridiculous shoes like that, why are women expected to?

And I don't care that some people "have learned how to walk in heels" it is bad for your body and no one should be expected to run from a massive dinosaur, aliens, The Hulk, etc. while wearing heels. Really, we should applaud all women extras who still manage to escape certain death while wearing heels, it's much harder on them than it is on the men.


6. The Horse/Human Rehab Story


How many times has this same story been told over, and over, and over again. Messed up teenager who lives in the city is sent out to a ranch somewhere in hopes of becoming reformed. There is also a wild horse at said ranch who refuses to be trained or to form attachment to anyone.

I'm wild, hurt and angry, so misunderstood by the world. Much like a troubled teenager.

And then it happens. The two bond.

Wow, plot twist! Did not see that coming!

The two go on to complete some incredible feat like saving the ranch, rescuing a wild herd of horses, or winning a national competition and beating out professionals after only a few months of training.

I'm waiting to begin my life purpose. Rehabilitating a troubled city kid and going on to rise in fame and esteem. I'll get back with you a few months.
5. People Who Act Like They Have Never Watched Movies

This is probably one that is closest to how humans actually react. We are often irrational and foolish. But doesn't anybody ever watch TV? Or their own movies? You would think they would learn a thing or two about life.

Examples: Don't touch the red button, don't run when predators are watching, DO run towards shelter when dinosaurs attack, don't stand there gaping when aliens attack the city, it's always the red wire, there is probably some major corruption among your leaders so don't trust them, don't drink anything at spy parties, etc.

Sure it's pretty, so are erupting volcanoes. 

4. No One Ever Finishes Their Food

This one literally hurts. If I can't eat the food myself, I want to at least live vicariously through the person on the screen. Eat that food!


But they never do. They aren't hungry, they storm off and leave the plate untouched, they are talking the entire time, you should never have cooked that bacon and tomatoes in the first place because now the Ringwraiths know your location, etc. *Sigh* I'm gonna need a minute here.

It hurts so much...
I know why they can't say at the end credits "No food was harmed in the making of this film", because it simply isn't true. So much food is created and then sacrificed on the altar to the movie gods.

Not only is it incredibly offensive to the viewer, but it is entirely unrealistic. A person can only run off of the energy created from pure macho for so long, and even the great must eat eventually.

3. Ignoring the Obvious

This runs along the similar lines of not watching movies. Learn from past experiences people! It is so plainly obvious that he has a crush on you, the line cook is totally sabotaging your restaurant, again, the corruption in your organization likely originated in leadership. Oh my goodness! Can we just process this and get on to kicking rear already?


Love, not fear is better when it comes to handling magical powers, the toxin is air born, if you can't find the bad guy anywhere, then he is probably right behind you.


2. Not Giving Vital Information

"I love you", "I didn't call you earlier, someone else did", "Guess what I discovered when I was kidnapped and brought to the evil lair", "I have magic hair that glows when I sing", "My name is Cinderella and I live at such and such street where I am abused and kept in forced labor" "Luke, Vader is your old man".

The oversight in giving out vital information is simply an insult to human intelligence, as you can see below, can really get out of hand.

(Yes, I just did that, but you don't know where I live, so I'm ok with it)

Thanks Obi-Wan

1. Last Words

You only have a few more moments in which to say things before your time on this earth is done. Well, not really, something will work out right before you die that saves you and allows you to live happily ever after, but you don't know that at the time.

You last words, your final verbal legacy, your last chance to make an impression on the villain who is crowing over your defeat. And what do you say?

"Go to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks!" Well, that's not exactly how they say it, but I at least try to keep some class.



Are you serious? You want your last words to be that? That's your final parting gift to planet earth and the race of men?

You couldn't be more creative? Or maybe use those two seconds to think of some way to get out of this. What did you accomplish other than turning a very classy death into a cheese platter? We all know the villain is headed to the eternal basement furnace, but your condemning him there will not get him there any faster.

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What are some cliches in movies that drive you insane? Are there character stereotypes that you have just had enough of? Does a certain response to a crisis just bug you? Tell me your thoughts and feel free to post them in the comments or on your own blog.